Pills vs. Exercise

No looking back now! The gym membership has been purchased (daycare included) so it’s a done deal. I’ve worked out twice since we paid for the membership on Friday. My mood is already a hundred times better than before. And I learned if I just loosened the laces on my new shoes, my feet wouldn’t hurt so bad. Who knew??

My eating wasn’t the greatest on the weekend but I kept it in check. I didn’t lose any weight but I didn’t gain any either. Glass half full right? I am down 5 lbs since April 19. That equates to a little more than 2 lbs a week – not too shabby.

I’ve also been taking a large-ish dose of vitamin D and calcium with magnesium which I am sure has helped my mood a bit. At my last physical in October, my doctor told me that I was vitamin D deficient which wasn’t a huge surprise living in a cold, northern climate and not getting enough sun exposure. The problem with vitamin D supplements was that I was getting horrible headaches after taking them. I even tried taking them right before bed and I would wake up with a headache. I started taking them again just before I go to bed and I seem to be handling them better this time around.

So my pre-bedtime regimen of pills/vitamins :

30 mcg of Vitamin D

333 mg of Calcium, 167 mg of Magnesium (also includes another 15 mcg of vitamin D3)

150 mg. Lamotrigine

25 mg Seroquel

I’m not sure if better moods are from pills or exercise – probably a little of both but I’m putting more money on the exercising. I am off to the psychiatrist tomorrow.

Shoes Be Damned!

Ugghh the cravings these last two days! I caved yesterday and got an oat bar and a flat white from Starbucks and this morning I started the day with a breakfast sandwich from Tim Hortons. It’s PMS week and that’s what I’m blaming it on.

Lunches are always healthy – salad, and fruit or yogurt so I’m just trying to keep a balance. Normally if I slip up and eat something “bad”, I throw in the towel for the rest of the day (sometimes the rest of the week!) and just turn it into an all-day binge. But it’s time to take some control and realize that an oat bar shouldn’t sabotage a whole week’s worth of eating.

On the bright side, my husband and I bought a gym membership today so I am feeling very motivated. I haven’t been to the gym since my workout last weekend. We were debating on whether just to continue working out at a neighbourhood leisure centre or actually get a gym membership (I wanted the gym membership) so I am really excited to get back at it tomorrow. It has a daycare, a private workout area for women, fitness classes, lots and lots of equipment, tanning beds, towel service. And my husband actually gets a corporate membership through his job so this was definitely the better option. Now I just have to break in my shoes!

Workout #1

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First day back at the gym in about 10 years on the weekend was a success! It felt so good to work out again – why did I wait so long? Because I had a million and one excuses that’s why. In my defense, I have popped out 3 kids in the last 6 years so finding the time has always been a struggle. But I need to do this. My life and health depends on it. I’ll be a better wife and mother if I take care of myself and my mental health will improve which is really the main reason I decided to go back to it.

In talking with my husband (who also wants to start exercising too), we’ve decided that we can carve out an hour on two nights of the week and then one or both days on the weekend. We’ve found some gym and fitness facilities with childcare which is great or we can take turns on alternating evenings during the week.

So in order to start this new endeavor, I had to buy new running shoes. Unfortunately my feet hurt sooooo bad after I was done on the elliptical machine so I really hope that I just need to break in these shoes and then things will get better. It really pissed me off because I was totally fine with the workout but my feet were throbbing – I almost didn’t make the 30 minutes. So frustrating! And my legs were absolutely killing me when I went to bed last night – this was after I took some naproxen. I was thinking “uh oh I pushed myself too hard – I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow!” So I dug out the roll-on muscle analgesic that I’ve never used in my life and it helped a lot. I was able to fall asleep and the pain was gone when I woke up this morning – thank goodness.

But I am super proud of myself. I want to go back. I think I can do this. Just need to take it one day at a time.

TGIF

Day 2 and it was nice to see the scale down a few pounds this morning. But it’s Friday, and by now I am usually in a panic. Weekends are always the worst for me to navigate while trying to watch what I eat. But now that I’ve decided just to eat healthier instead of deleting entire food groups, I’m not dreading the weekend the way I normally do – and it’s refreshing. I even have plans to go to the gym for the first time in about 10 years. That should be interesting.

Everyday is Day One…

Today is the first day of what I hope will be a rest of my life journey. And it’s not even a Monday – or the first of the month!! If I had to count how many times I’ve started a new diet, I’d be a billionaire – seriously. I’ve spent the better part of my life living in a prison of my own making. Every hour is spent obsessing about how fat I am, how ugly I am, that everyone is judging me. But every hour is also spent thinking about what I am going to eat next. I feel guilty about every single bite of food I put into my mouth and I don’t understand why I can’t just stop eating and lose the weight once and for all.

Because of my life-long yo-yo dieting, my metabolism is basically shot. I am pretty sure that I am insulin-resistant, I am deficient in iron and vitamin D, my hair is falling out, I’m sure I have some kind of thyroid issue, my joints are stiff and I can’t climb a single flight of stairs without getting winded. And yet I continue to put crap into my body, day in and day out. I continue to be miserable day in and day out. When I really sit and think about it, it is beyond depressing that I’ve spent 30 years of my life being miserable about my weight, hating my body, being self-conscious. It really has been like living in a prison. The cold hard truth is that I am a food addict but mostly I am a carb and sugar addict. And my body certainly does not need sugar to survive.

I need to realize that I can’t deny myself food. I can’t just not eat. I’ve tried that too haha! and it never works. I can’t starve myself, but I do have the choice of WHAT to eat. So my words of “wisdom” to myself today are these:

First and foremost, STOP EATING CRAP. Take a breath. You can do this. You can’t NOT do this. Your life depends on it. Enough is enough.